First one:

A man in rural Wisconsin wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bulldog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Second one :

A lady
walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by
himself. She goes over and asks what he's drinking.
   
"Magic beer" he says

She asks "that isn't really magic beer is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you".

He takes a drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the
window.

The lady can't believe it: "I'll bet you can't do that again".

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a magic beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of beer, jumps out the window, falls 30 stories, splats on the sidewalk and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk"

The End. :)




 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
What a wonderful
  story.

 

 

  
 
 
 
 
   
    
   
   
   
   
   
    
   
   
   
    A lady
    walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by
    himself. She goes over and asks what he's drinking.
   
   
   
   
   
   
    "Magic
    beer" he says

She asks "that isn't really magic beer is
    it?"

"Yes, I'll show you".

He takes a drink of beer, jumps out
    the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the
    window.

The lady can't believe it: "I'll bet you can't do that
    again".

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies
    around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is
    so amazed that she says she wants a magic beer, so the guy says to the
    bartender, "Give her what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a
    gulp of beer, jumps out the window, falls 30 stories, splats on the sidewalk
    and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says "You know,
    Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk"